I have always been one to see things for what they are, not what they look like. You know how, when you look at a person, doesn't matter who, you can see all the pain that they have gone through without even asking? It's like you can see all of their scars in their eyes and connect with them without opening the scars up. Most people don't pay much attention to the people that are weird or just don't seem right. I think it's sad. There are times when I really want to connect with the people that have experienced the most pain. I'm not sure if my passion is compassion or just shear exploration. I feel bad, yes, but I also just want to know how they cope.
I've never been through anything more than a couple deaths and my parents' divorce. My childhood was great up until I was about 9. I was a normal kid, I ran around our yard naked, woke up at 5 in the morning to ride my bike, went exploring through the woods in our neighbors backyard, climbed trees, played in the creek we lived by. My sisters would torture me because I was the littlest and they just could; you know, what all kids normally do. Since then, I have been a pretty average person; I strain for attention just like anyone else would, I used to act out, be unruly. I've grown out of that stage, but I still have that need for some kind of I don't know what. It's hard to explain really, it's not that I need attention, it's that I'm trying to get my adolescence back. I'm almost 18, I feel like I've missed out on a lot of the things that normal teens do. I never went to any parties, never really got into trouble. For some reason, I was too scared to do what I really wanted to do deep inside. But this is not about me. This is something that I wanted to write for the sake of writing it. It will eventually have a purpose, but I don't know what yet. Anyways, I will continue with the chronicles of my life. Well, when my father got remarried, I didn't like it. I was a punk kid, I used to run around town with my stupid friends that acted like they were hard, but I found out very much later that it was all an act and not an actual attitude, and I used to create hell wherever I went. A hell raiser, I guess would be the word for me then. I settled down a little bit though when I was 13 or 14. Then when I was 15, I went on a drinking binge. Not very many people know this, but I drank for a straight week and somehow managed to keep it hidden. I was becoming somewhat of a closet drunk. It all stopped though the one night that I mixed a full bottle of watermelon wine with about 30 shots of Jager. I puked 5 or 6 times that night and finally passed out on someones couch, I don't even remember who I was with. So now, I can't even smell alcohol without getting a little sick. It's either a blessing or a curse, we will all soon find out. But after those escapades, I settled down once again, but I think things got to calm for me because then, when I was 16, I decided to go on a little road trip with an 18 year old guy that was staying with us in my fathers car. Not a good idea. As soon as we got home, we were both in trouble. Blah blah blah, yeah, you know the drill. So I haven't been perfect but I've never done anything that could be considered a serious mistake. I have grown up a lot compared to how I used to be. When I think back, I realize how dumb and immature all the things I did when I was younger were. I don't know how people put up with me and how I even had any friends at all, not close ones, but the ones that you hang out with at school just so you're not alone. I can think of a few things that I said to people in those days and I feel horrible for them even coming out of my mouth. I was just a kid trying to get out of the life that I was living, hoping that maybe someone would notice me. I don't live with my father anymore, so I'm not like that anymore. Things are a lot easier and less complicated. If I ever said anything hurtful, I apologize sincerely. It was all a ploy to fit in and get some recognition for the things that I did.
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