Shelf-Life

I’m numb. 

The worst kind of numb.

Numb to the pain that I should be feeling, numb to the ache of healing. My heart is hardening to the idea that I’m nothing special; I can be replaced in just one beat. I’m trying all that I can to keep from being cold, but how can I allow myself to be vulnerable again when I’ve been fed lie after lie and the poison that rolls off your tongue is just now taking effect? I was hit at my highest, now I’m just a sinking stone. Bottom will come soon, right? I’m leagues under the sea, my eyes have been opened to the creatures of the deep. Shape shifters that hide in the shadows only allowing certain angles of themselves to be seen. 

I’m scared. Terrified of this dive, this leap of faith that feels more like suicide. “I’m not coming back,” my brain whispers, “I will never be the same.” I hope wings work underwater. Maybe, like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun. I allowed myself to feel self love while falling into a deeper love that went through more than my skin. Now, I’m imploding. A nuclear meltdown that looks completely harmless from the exterior, but inside the radiation is killing me. 

And I’m tired. Exhaustion seeping through my bones making my limbs heavier than racks of bricks. My shoulders ache from the thoughts that weigh down my head. Emotionally, I’m tiny. Mentally, I’m minuscule. Bacteria on a microscope slide. But I’ve been put up on a shelf, unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary until the next hypothesis needs proven. Waiting for a plague to somehow prove my worth.

Compensating is an interesting word. Putting extra weight on myself to make sure I live up to your expectations. Overinflated is another. Your ego described in one word. How dare you make me feel unworthy? Where do you get the nerve? I have a million more questions, but they don’t matter because even with my honesty, your lies come so naturally that you don’t even remember when you tell them. So the thoughts keep spinning. The same questions plague my mind for days at a time and every now and then they are shaken out of my head, but they always return. I guess this is what I’ve been waiting on. That plague, but no one has pulled me out of my slide case to examine a possible cure. Not a single hypothesis to prove, just the one that has been proven by you; I’m boring and I bore you enough that I don’t even qualify for another once-over to make sure that it’s true.

A Letter to the Lost 2

Life right now is confusing, a daze that none of us can shake. I wish things could be different, I wish this path had never been taken. If only wishful thinking changed the course of our lives.

I've seen the face of addiction
It's looked me in the eyes and denied its existence.
Disconnection seems to be the only solution
Unplugging the emotional cord and entering into euphoria.
War ensues around them and the blows go unnoticed.
Every moment awake- chaos erupts
Confusion pushing them back into the arms of a familiar lover
An affair that is certainly taboo, but comfort is better than chaos.
Seeking the elusive seduction of that first high
Unsuccessful at every turn, but still willing to try.

Try as hard as I might, I will never understand the alacrity to enter a prison that gives the illusion of freedom.

I understand now why the bridge was rebuilt so quickly, but it was thrown up haphazardly, and it shows. An asset is an asset, and I know that's all that I was. Someone willing to throw themselves over the puddles so your feet didn't get wet. Everything I said before was true, and you know that. I may not have articulated correctly and politely, but sometimes mannerisms need to be thrown to the side to get a point across. I won't take back my apology, I meant every word in that letter, and it still rings true. I would do anything for you to see how much you are worth. I poured my heart out in the hopes that you would aim for the right side and stop swerving left. My love for you is unconditional, and that will NEVER change. My sister, my friend, I love you dearly and I hate to see you this way. Come back to us, we miss YOU.

Untitled for Reasons Unknown.

Scenario: walking down the street with a friend who is significantly skinnier than I and thinking, "Why is she always so put together? Why can't I look like her?" Unbeknownst to me, she was thinking earlier while seeing my husband and I talking and playing with our son, "Why can't I have a family and be happy like these guys?"

Here are the reasons that you should stop comparing yourself to other people.

1. Not everyone is as put together as they look. Looks are easy to alter and never tell how someone is feeling inside unless they actually physically show those emotions, and let's be real, that rarely happens in this day and age.
2. EVERYONE has SOMETHING they wish they could change. You are not alone in feeling like you could use some improvement in any aspect of your life.
3. You are unique. Regardless of what you think, you are one of a kind, ROCK THAT SHIT.
4. It takes time and practice to learn to love yourself. In a world that is constantly telling us that we should be this size, have this shape face, follow this trend or you're not one of the cool kids, it's hard to love yourself the way you are without going through the process of put-downs, scrutiny, and hatred. To be honest, I'm still struggling with loving who I am and everything that comes with me. It's a battle we all fight in and it's a battle that can be won with time and practice.
5. There are thoughts unseen. You may want to be like this person, but they might want to be like you. Everyone has been someone's goal person at some point. Just be you, there's really no reason to want to be someone else because even they want to be someone different.

Be you, it's who you were born to be and it's the only person that you should be unapologetically.

A Letter to My Son

Jeydon,
I bring a few words of advice from my younger self and if some of this is misinformation as I learn and grow with you, I will write another letter, but for now, this is what I have to say:

• BE YOURSELF- Never let the prospect of having popular friends change who you are at your core.
• KNOW YOUR SELF-WORTH- You are brilliant (not to mention freaking ADORABLE), and you should never stand by people that make you feel worthless.
• STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE- Self-explanatory, really.
• MAKE MISTAKES AND LEARN FROM THOSE MISTAKES- Life is about educating yourself on what works for you and what doesn't. Mistakes are natural, you don't yet have the wisdom to know actions and opposite reactions, so do your thing kid, but if dad and I sit you down and have a conversation, you'll know you messed up.
• KEEP YOUR HEAD UP- There is not a single person above you, don't let anyone talk down to you and take pride in where you come from.
• BE CONFIDENT IN OUR PARENTING- We are here for YOU, we are here to answer questions, be there when you feel like you have nobody, and we are not here to judge you, belittle you, or make you feel like what you've done is irreversible. Come to us when you feel like you have a problem, we can talk you through it, we can give you advice, and we will do all we can to make things right. Never be afraid to come to us with ANYTHING, if you're anything like your father, he's been there and done that.
• KNOW THAT YOU'RE LOVED- Nothing you could do can change the fact that you are our son, you have never gone a moment in your life without love, that will always be the same.

Your dad and I love you more than words could ever express, but I can only hope that our actions as parents is proof enough for you to understand that we are understanding people and our love for you will never diminish. As we all grow and we try to instill in you the values that we hold, know that we are only teaching you what we practice and believe in our everyday lives and it's what we feel is important for shaping your future self. The man you become is a refection of us and we want you to be the best you can be, kid.

Keep on Rollin', Put the Moment on Hold

Let me take a moment to encourage those that are in a moment in their life where words of kindness are needed. First of all, you are amazing. Whoever you are, wherever you've been, whatever events have transpired in your lifetime, you are amazing. You are one of a kind, you have no exact doppelganger, you CANNOT be replaced, you cannot be outdone. Secondly, life is beautiful chaos. Things don't always go as planned, and that's the beauty of living. You can't account for every event that will take place in your journey (not to mention that it would be extremely boring), and you can't plan emotions when those unexpected events take place. Life is a jumbled mess of indescribable, transfixing beauty and it's all about what you make it.

It's not always easy, and if you say your life has been, you just haven't hit your rough patch yet. Everyone has those days, weeks, months, and sometimes even years where things just never go right, but let me tell you one thing, it gets better. Then it gets worse, then it gets better. It's a roller coaster, but the majority of the time, you can't see when the hills are coming. I can't tell you how many times my family has been knocked down just when we thought it was getting good, but we get back up every single time and try to get a running start with another chance. You may flop on your face a few times, but you'll get the hang of it.

Another thing you have to remember is that in order to accomplish goals, you have to give them time to develop and you have to give yourself the time to get there. Everyone wants to rush and get things done so they have more time to do what they love doing, but if you don't take your time, your goals will only be done haphazardly and you will regret not making them airtight. Waiting is frustrating in our age of convenience, but I guarantee that any goal you really want to accomplish is worth the wait and the work.

Keep your head up, keep your mind open, and let your heart lead. YOU are beautiful and anything that you want to accomplish will be done in due time. Patience.

No One is on Your Side

DISCLAIMER: This whole post is kind of all over the place. I expect a lot of you to come out of this confused. I apologize ahead of time.

As a product of a divorced family, I can safely and surely say that we are broken. There are things that continue to be unsaid in my head that need to be expressed. Keep in mind, this isn't meant to bash anyone, I'm not trying to make anyone in my family feel badly for the mistakes that have been made, it's just a rant to make other people that don't understand sympathize with anyone that is a product of a divorced family.

I have said this before, but for those of you that haven't read any of my other posts, I will say it again. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. I don't remember any fights, I don't remember any arguments between my parents, in my mind, we were a happy family. The news of a divorce was honestly a shock to me. There are still things that I don't understand about the reason behind this decision, but my understanding of the reasoning isn't a priority, and for this, I'm thankful.

Sadly, this kind of amicable split isn't the case for everyone. I was blessed with parents that kept fights between themselves and didn't drag my siblings and I into the whole mess. As terrible as it sounds, there are people (I don't feel like I can call them parents) that drag their kids into fights that have nothing to do with the kids. It's something that isn't necessary, it's something that affects the kids mentally, emotionally, and in some cases, physically. Using your kids as pawns against one another isn't healthy and it isn't what a good parent would do. No kid ever wants to choose sides, you're both their parents and they love you both, so to make them choose a side is basically setting your family up for a split.

There is something else that needs to be understood about children involved in a divorce, THEY NORMALLY AREN'T HAPPY ABOUT IT. Parents generally don't think of the kids when they split. Divorce is something that affects kids in every way, even if they aren't "kids" when the split happens, they are still affected by it. No one wants to see their parents separate, and parents that have not come from divorce themselves don't quite understand how much damage it can really cause. My father has no clue what it's like to see his parents go separate ways, but it left my sisters and I in a wake of disaster and collapse. That's what makes this all the more frustrating. He moved on, married, had another kid with a woman that is not our mother. He doesn't know that all this time it's felt like it's either her and her kids or us. It's an ultimatum that no kid should have going through their head. My mother knows what it's like to feel this kind of abandonment, her father basically wanted to give her up when she lost her hearing. I still don't think that she was thinking of us when the idea of divorce came up, but what can you do?

It's so hard to move on after something like this and to grow up with things like this is even harder. I don't expect anyone that hasn't personally gone through it to understand how painful it is, but maybe this will open the eyes of a few people that need the reality.

A Letter to the Lost

Wasting time is something that I don't indulge in. I'm a mother and a wife, I don't have a lot of time to waste. Between the cleaning, cooking, and cleaning all over again, you have been nothing more than a fleeting thought. I have known you all my life, and you are a product of the same environment as I, but you are a foreign species; merely a shell of the person I once knew. You have always been stuck in your own vanity, missing birthdays, holidays, graduations, and the start of new lives all because you couldn't pull yourself away from your own world long enough to care about others'. You were never a role model for me, mostly just a lesson. "Don't be like that, don't act like that, don't run with people associated with that," always what I told myself and I didn't indulge the way you did. I didn't partake, best decision of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I have made my fair share of mistakes, and I still have the occasional hiccup in my path, but I don't stumble and I don't backtrack. Leave the past in the past where it belongs, you are in my past and that's where you're staying. I have been wasting time out of my whole life worrying about you, wondering if you're okay, if you're still alive, and wasting tears on someone that wouldn't waste a sniffle on me. Those days are over. I have a life of my own now. Your life isn't a concern of mine. I've tried the best I could to make you understand that your life is worth more than you're pawning it away for, but you are too far gone. I wish you all the best. I wish you happiness and good health. I'm sure you don't wish the same on me, but I really don't care. I've had enough adversity in my lifetime that I really don't have the energy for any more. Wish what you want on me, but I have no ill will toward you, I just want to discontinue my participation in your constant ups and downs. This is simply a goodbye. A way for me to bring peace to the memory of you. So, goodbye old friend. I don't know if you ever truly were a friend, but new friends have come along regardless and will continue to come for as long as I shall live.

She Says That Love is For Fools That Fall Behind

Have you ever wondered what makes people grow apart?  You can be friends with someone for years, but just one year without talking to them can make the biggest difference in the whole relationship.  I guess the awkwardness after that year will show you that you weren't really true friends anyways.  It's so hard to distinguish between a real friendship and something that will blow up in your face.  People are so two-faced these days that they would sabotage your entire reputation just to gain a few more popular friends.  I'm happy to say that once you get out of school, the friendships that you make with new people are pretty much solid, but there are still those few people that like to cause drama in someone else's life so you have to keep an eye out for those.  Most likely, if they are willing to stab someone else in the back, they are willing to do it to you for the right price.  I can honestly say that I have never once tried to step on someone's heart to get a level up in this world.  I would never intentionally hurt someone to make myself more presentable.  I think that those actions just make someone look selfish and foolish.  You lose a friend for someone that might not even take you in.  I've been noticing more and more lately that I never talk to anyone that was supposedly my friend in high school.  I don't really have any contact with anyone from Sheridan and it's strange but great all at the same time.  I didn't want to just cut all my ties when I left, but they were all cut for me from the opposite side. I'm not really worried about it.  I can make new friends, no problem, but it just makes me think about how much I went through with some of those people and we don't even have the slightest communication anymore.  And then I think, well, maybe it WAS kinda my fault since I deleted a few of my contact spots, but I did that to free up some time in my life.  It's not like they don't have my phone number or anything.  They know where I live.  I don't know.  I just like to over analyze I guess.

My Dreams Aren't as Empty as My Conscience Seems to be.

I have always been one to see things for what they are, not what they look like.  You know how, when you look at a person, doesn't matter who, you can see all the pain that they have gone through without even asking?  It's like you can see all of their scars in their eyes and connect with them without opening the scars up.  Most people don't pay much attention to the people that are weird or just don't seem right.  I think it's sad.  There are times when I really want to connect with the people that have experienced the most pain.  I'm not sure if my passion is compassion or just shear exploration.  I feel bad, yes, but I also just want to know how they cope. 
I've never been through anything more than a couple deaths and my parents' divorce.  My childhood was great up until I was about 9.  I was a normal kid, I ran around our yard naked, woke up at 5 in the morning to ride my bike, went exploring through the woods in our neighbors backyard, climbed trees, played in the creek we lived by.  My sisters would torture me because I was the littlest and they just could; you know, what all kids normally do.  Since then, I have been a pretty average person; I strain for attention just like anyone else would, I used to act out, be unruly.  I've grown out of that stage, but I still have that need for some kind of I don't know what.  It's hard to explain really, it's not that I need attention, it's that I'm trying to get my adolescence back.  I'm almost 18, I feel like I've missed out on a lot of the things that normal teens do.  I never went to any parties, never really got into trouble.  For some reason, I was too scared to do what I really wanted to do deep inside.  But this is not about me.  This is something that I wanted to write for the sake of writing it.  It will eventually have a purpose, but I don't know what yet.  Anyways, I will continue with the chronicles of my life.  Well, when my father got remarried, I didn't like it.  I was a punk kid, I used to run around town with my stupid friends that acted like they were hard, but I found out very much later that it was all an act and not an actual attitude, and I used to create hell wherever I went.  A hell raiser, I guess would be the word for me then.  I settled down a little bit though when I was 13 or 14.  Then when I was 15, I went on a drinking binge.  Not very many people know this, but I drank for a straight week and somehow managed to keep it hidden.  I was becoming somewhat of a closet drunk.  It all stopped though the one night that I mixed a full bottle of watermelon wine with about 30 shots of Jager.  I puked 5 or 6 times that night and finally passed out on someones couch, I don't even remember who I was with.  So now, I can't even smell alcohol without getting a little sick.  It's either a blessing or a curse, we will all soon find out.  But after those escapades, I settled down once again, but I think things got to calm for me because then, when I was 16, I decided to go on a little road trip with an 18 year old guy that was staying with us in my fathers car.  Not a good idea.  As soon as we got home, we were both in trouble.  Blah blah blah, yeah, you know the drill.  So I haven't been perfect but I've never done anything that could be considered a serious mistake.  I have grown up a lot compared to how I used to be.  When I think back, I realize how dumb and immature all the things I did when I was younger were.  I don't know how people put up with me and how I even had any friends at all, not close ones, but the ones that you hang out with at school just so you're not alone.  I can think of a few things that I said to people in those days and I feel horrible for them even coming out of my mouth.  I was just a kid trying to get out of the life that I was living, hoping that maybe someone would notice me.  I don't live with my father anymore, so I'm not like that anymore.  Things are a lot easier and less complicated.  If I ever said anything hurtful, I apologize sincerely.  It was all a ploy to fit in and get some recognition for the things that I did.

Through The Looking Glass

As long as I have known my mother's father, I have only seen him 3 or 4 times in my entire life.  My grandma and him have been split ever since before I was born, since before my youngest uncle was born.  But this isn't about the grandpa that I never had, this is about the man that took my grandmothers whole family in as his own and didn't think twice about it.  His name: John Bednar.  His legacy: WWII veteran, POW, and somehow, amazingly gentle man.  He was stationed somewhere in Asia during WWII and lived through the Bataan Death March.  Sure, he isn't the only one, but he is the one that I have known my whole life and is the one that I'm seeing deteriorate day by day.  He is the most loving man that I have ever met.  He has never called me by my name, I was always and will always be Baby Jo to him.  I'm nearing 18 and he still addresses me as Baby Jo.  I will never be grown to him.  He has a lot of history behind his eyes, his once bright blue eyes though, are now a pale gray.  He has only told a few stories to me about his years in the war, its a shame that I havent been able to talk to him more about it so that I could pass all this information down to my children and them to theirs.  Truth is, I was always scared to ask him about any of it, I didn't want to bring up memories that he didn't want to remember.  Now, I wish I would have gotten a little more than what he has voluntarily given me.  I saw him tonight and I really wish he wasn't as old as he is.  My grandma tells me that he hasn't been eating very much and just by looking at him, you can tell.  He's not the once limber old man that he was when I was a child, now he is old and fragile and delusional.  It's strange to me to see him weak and sitting all the time.  The man can barely walk, it's unusual with him being inside instead of at his usual place in the garden, picking tomatoes.  I miss those tomatoes, the man had a seriously green thumb, those tomatoes were huge and juicy, I loved them.  My whole life of holidays and birthdays has been spent with this man in the picture somewhere.  I now realize that there are going to be a lot of lonely holidays without him.  He hasn't passed yet, but he is close to his prime.  I just wish it wasn't this hard on him.  He has suffered enough and now he has to suffer more.  I want him to have peace, but right now, it's trial after trial after trial for him, it takes all the strength he has in his entire body to get out of bed in the mornings when before, it was nothing for him to wake up at 5 in the morning and go a whole day without a break in his routine.  He used to be a phenominal chef, ox tail soup, thanksgiving dinners, all cooked by him.  Now, he can barely pick up a pan.  I don't understand why he has to go through all this.  He has lived an amazing life, he has seen his 7 siblings and both of his parents go before him, he has seen the kids that he raised grow up and their kids grow up, like I said, this man has a lot of history behind him.  As much as it pains me to see him this way, I want him to go and be through with all the pain and suffering.  This man, John Bednar, is my true grandfather, it may not be by blood, but he is in my heart always.